On Small Talk

(the conversational practice, not the programming language)

Goofus: Small talk is pointless! I hate how my coworkers are always prattling on about nonsense. At best it's a waste of time; at worst, it feels like a tax the normies make us neurodivergents pay. Why should I have to conform to their communication style? Stop asking me about my weekend, Steve!

Gallant: You've missed the point of small talk. Steve wasn't really trying to find out how your weekend was, he was trying to have a friendly interaction with you to confirm that all is well and you're still on good terms.

Goofus: Why is it necessary that we be on good terms? He's my coworker, not my friend.

Gallant: Because you're an animal in a social group, and social animals usually like to keep track of where they stand with other members of the pack - who is upset with them, friendly to them, etc. This is how they do that.

Goofus: What does my weekend have to do with it then? Why doesn't he just ask if I'm mad at him or whatever?

Gallant: Because the information being exchanged is mostly nonverbal. Think of it like an API health check which relies on the HTTP response code and ignores the message body. The body can say "OK" or be blank or even contain warn message, but you know things are still okay if you get a 200.

Goofus: Why does he have to check in every morning then? Why can't he just assume things are fine unless I tell him I have a problem with him?"

Gallant: Same reason an API checks the database every minute - it's better to find out about a problem immediately than to wait for a read failure. Steve wants to check in regularly so he learns about social problems as soon as they appear.

Goofus: Thank you, this makes a lot of sense, and your small talk/api health check metaphor is very useful and not at all stretched. However, I see a fatal flaw in your reasoning: I am upset with Steve, because of his small talk, and I've tried to make that clear by scowling and answering curtly, but he won't take the hint!

Gallant: He's probably aware that you're upset; he's just choosing to keep trying to befriend you instead of giving up.

Goofus: So how do I get him to knock it off?

Gallant: You can keep being rude to him. Like an API health check with an exponential backoff, most people will give up eventually. Or you could bite the bullet and say, "My weekend was great Steve, how was yours."

Goofus: Why would I do that? Why should I have to expend a small amount of effort to do something easy and painless, just to ease the mind of a coworker whose brain works differently from mine?

Gallant: No idea.